The goal for me from day one was always to get the fuck out. I think a lot of people have heard their peers in their youth say the same, things like “I need to get out there’s nothing for me here!” “There’s nothing to do here!”. The expression of some sense of escapism. Well, that was me. I was one of those. 

Except I meant it and I knew I meant it. I always knew I would leave.

And whats more, my parents supported it. Maybe not at first at sixteen years old, but over time and having left, I’ve had discussions with my parents about my possible return and my dad has always shared the same views and wisdom I have. They left their hometown as well, while in their 20s/30s, so they get it.

In my dads words; “I don’t know what’s here for you to come back to. It’s just the same small minded folk town you left six years ago. Nothing’s really changed, the people are the same, living their small town lives with their small town minds”.

When I was growing up, I didn’t have a great time. I was an outcast, I was picked on and made fun of often. It got to the point where I even tried different schools- particularly in high school but all it did was end up following me. I grew up in a town with a population of 75,000 people. It might seem like a lot compared to some other small towns, but it wasn’t. Somehow, everyone knew everyone, someone knows someone who knows someone who passes messages along. When it comes to getting jobs, it’s who you know or who you blow. You know the type. 

I always remember thinking I must not see the world as everyone else does, because I had a different perspective than most. I didn’t understand why kids were embarrassed to admit they liked things that the cool kids didn’t. Why people would want to diminish their hobbies and interests to ‘fit in’, when the stuff the cool kids like just wasn’t fun or interesting. I didn’t understand why people would pick on someone who was genuinely entertaining to spend time with, and I often found myself ‘uncool’, and sticking up for the people being picked on. Which in turn, resulted in me also being viewed as an uncool outcast. I learned somehow from a young age to be authentically, unapologetically me. And I also learned that this severely offended others around me.

As time went on, this greatly contributed to my desire to leave. To start fresh. You see, being labelled as an outcast despite growing up, means that your options are limited for many things. When you are into your twenties and you try to date, people do informal backgrounds and ‘ask around’ about you, and you’re forever known as the “weird kid who pissed their pants in the fifth grade”. Now, I never pissed my pants in the fifth grade but its a pretty good example to bring home my point. So you can’t grow up and escape the past that was inflicted on you by other peoples callous opinions. And that’s sad. Because people do grow. They grow up out of that young kid or teenager who was misunderstood, who hated the world, who ate crayons because they didn’t know better. Sometimes they don’t grow up too far off, or they’re still stuck in their patterns but people do change. But you can’t change in your home town unless everyone else changes, and you can’t change or grow until everyone else is ready to. Sometimes that takes a long time, and sometimes it just never comes. You get perpetually stuck in this rut, and you can’t be propelled forward until other people decide to let you which is just a bunch of bullshit. In small towns, people don’t want you going around growing or changing. Because it’s threatening. It shows them they aren’t changing or growing, and they don’t like that. They don’t want to feel left behind on the times so to speak, this is why you will notice through life you’ll get backlash for when you try something new and ‘spontaneous’ or out of the box, or when you try to simply grow in a forward direction before your peers are anywhere ready for whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish. It’s sad but it’s true, just try and think about it. 

When you return after having left as a grown person, you then get to see it in full force. The alternative to what growth leaving has brought you. 

That some people never change, never grow and they’re exactly where you left them. And why you left them.

The best part about leaving, is coming back and seeing just how much you’ve grown. When you live with yourself daily it’s not blatantly obvious. But when you step back into your hometown- it can literally slap you in the face.

So of course, I have a perfect example of this. I had a friend in high school, who I coincidentally met at the beginning of the ninth grade because I stood up for her when she was being picked on. There was a falling out of sorts throughout the years, and we inevitably became strangers as a result. At some point, she ended up in the bakery section of a grocery store while we were nearing the end of high school. To no one’s surprise, she still works there and never left our hometown. When I used to come in with my family for groceries and she was working, she would run to the back and hide, or no joke, would duck down hide behind the counter. It wasn’t secretive either, it was blatantly obvious. Maybe two years ago I came back to visit my family and I had to grab some groceries and happened to be in that area of that store.

Well guess what. In our thirties, she still runs and hides and ducks behind counters when someone she doesn’t like or doesn’t want to see comes into the store. And you know what I found even more disturbing to learnt through the grapevine? She has informed her co workers of who she doesn’t want to see, and they literally alert her as to when that person is in the store, so that she can go and hide in the back or duck.

SHE IS THIRTY THREE YEARS OLD.

I can’t even put into words if I find that the funny or just sad. I guess maybe sad, and pitiful. And this is where I can see that significant growth has occurred for me.

I look at a situation like this and am so damn thankful that I have progressed in my life to a degree where that isn’t my life, my perspective or the extent of my problem solving and life abilities. I can’t imagine what my life would be if I didn’t have the coping capacity past hiding behind items at my place of employment every time I ran into someone I didn’t like, didn’t want to see, or encounter situations I didn’t want to deal with.  Now this is a very specific example and is only one example but it does drive home my point- some people and some things never change.

This of course isn’t limited to only my hometown. It’s very common in small towns where people have never left, or at least not for very long. Along my travels as a nurse I have met lots of people living various ways of life with an assortment of beliefs and societal patterns. One thing that strikes me personally as sad, is that these people never get to see what they’re missing. They don’t seem to understand this concept. Some people are happier than a pig in mud to live a small simple life, and this is where I really see myself not belonging in this type of world, this small town bubble.

I met a girl once who told me she was excited to marry her high school sweetheart. She was about 23 years old, had never experienced any other relationship in her life and was just comfortable with the fact that this was all that she was going to get. I remember asking her “Don’t you want to know what it’s like to date other people? How do you know that this person is the best option for you if you don’t try and see what else is available?”. She seemed slightly offended, grossed out. “I could NEVER imagine that!”.  She also mentioned she “had never thought of it that way”. I do think there may have been some religious factor with these beliefs (I won’t even touch that one), but it was so strange to me to hear that people think and feel this way.

Is it limited thinking? Are they actually not curious? Do they only blindly follow what others in their community are doing, or are telling them is how life should be lived? Are these the type of people that buy the first car they lay eyes on without ever trying it or other options to see what would best fit their needs?

Also- think about who you were or what you were doing ten years ago. You were probably a completely different person with different opinions and can identify a clear lack of experience. I can’t even imagine if I had chosen to marry the person I was with at that time. I would certainly be divorced, or in jail (haha, jokes). But in reality, I was dating different types of people, trying to find out what I liked and didn’t like, what I was willing to tolerate and what I wouldn’t. Heck, I’m 32 and still learning! 

I then realized I probably sounded so ‘out there’ to her and probably barbaric, but I truly realized then I would rather live my life to my own desires and accord, regardless of what others think. I would rather experience as many different things as possible to know that in my heart when I find the right thing, I won’t sit there wondering ‘…but what if?”. If you think about it, you often regret the things you don’t do instead of the things you have done. I would rather take my time to make permanent, life changing decisions and wait until I feel ready, rather than make hasty decisions based on religious or societal ‘norms’. There are so many things that you can’t undo once they’re done, but if you wait to do them… you afford yourself the luxury of time to make a decision based on what you truly want for yourself. Never mind the first necessary step in adulthood- figure out who the hell you are as a person!  

The experiences you gain while leaving your hometown can provide you with a wealth of knowledge. I have learned so much through my own journey with personal growth, but I have learned so much more through watching others. Seeing my friends have children, their battles with divorce, separation, the toll it takes to raise a family. I have become more self-aware of the things that suit my needs and how I want to live my life, which happens to be free of the judgement of others. I have learned very smart ways to protect myself and my finances when entering partnerships or relationships by watching others fail to apply those same tactics.

I have gained a level of understanding about people and life that would have never been possible if I had stayed in my hometown. I can see more than one narrow minded perspective, and consider alternate perspectives when presented. I don’t assume that I’m always right, and take the time to properly educate myself. I can separate facts from opinions, and I can truly say that I can respect when others have different opinions from me and not feel the need to disregard someone completely as a result. What’s more, is I can even forgive people who have disregarded me because they do not understand the ability for individuals to co-exist with differing opinions and value systems. I think that is the most important lesson to learn and I am so thankful that I was able to learn it sooner in life rather than later.

Sure, sometimes it sucks to be shunned, but I can understand that their level of growth and development has not yet matured to a level that offers them that peace. It is very freely to be unbothered by the opinion of others in a capacity they cannot understand.

I do believe it is possible there are people who want to stay in their hometown, never leave and can be genuinely happy. I have friends who have never left who have grown up to become amazing people that I look up to and learn from daily.

I understand that not everyone has the same ideas and goals as me, and that is okay. I can accept that.

However I am so thankful that I decided to leave, as I said I would. I am glad to have followed through, and so happy that I have become the person I am today based on this decision. I don’t know that I will ever feel confident that my hometown is a place I want to return to settle down, but for now travelling and learning more about myself and the world around me is exactly where I am meant to be, there’s no question about it.